Warning

If you do not enjoy laughing uncontrollably, do not read David Sedaris. Enough said.

My New Listen

From Publishers Weekly

Sedaris is Garrison Keillor's evil twin: like the Minnesota humorist, Sedaris focuses on the icy patches that mar life's sidewalk, though the ice in his work is much more slippery and the falls much more spectacularly funny than in Keillor's. Many of the 27 short essays collected here (which appeared originally in the New Yorker, Esquire and elsewhere) deal with his father, Lou, to whom the book is dedicated. Lou is a micromanager who tries to get his uninterested children to form a jazz combo and, when that fails, insists on boosting David's career as a performance artist by heckling him from the audience. Sedaris suggests that his father's punishment for being overly involved in his kids' artistic lives is David's brother Paul, otherwise known as "The Rooster," a half-literate miscreant whose language is outrageously profane. Sedaris also writes here about the time he spent in France and the difficulty of learning another language. After several extended stays in a little Norman village and in Paris, Sedaris had progressed, he observes, "from speaking like an evil baby to speaking like a hillbilly. 'Is thems the thoughts of cows?' I'd ask the butcher, pointing to the calves' brains displayed in the front window." But in English, Sedaris is nothing if not nimble: in one essay he goes from his cat's cremation to his mother's in a way that somehow manages to remain reverent to both of the departed. "Reliable sources" have told Sedaris that he has "tended to exhaust people," and true to form, he will exhaust readers of this new book, too, with helpless laughter.

Re: Tuesday's Post

When students who don't follow directions realize that they've earned a zero on their essay, what I often hear is this: "That's not fair! I worked too hard on this essay to get a zero! I deserve some points for all that work!"

So, I've been trying to think of some comebacks that they can understand (although I realize that they will still be angry, hate me forever, and believe that I am "unmerciful"). Here's my best one so far:

--Do you think that a referee would listen to a player who said, after a touchdown had been called back because of an offensive foul, "But I ran too hard not to get the points!!"

Got a great one to add to my list?

Please Read and Follow Instructions

Dead week almost killed me. Really. Besides the mountains of grading, I got to be the recipient of all that student wrath--and that's always much harder on me than the actual grading.

Dead week's about the time the students start to realize the ramifications (like, "But I'll lose my scholarship!" or "But I'll be kicked off the team!" or "But Mom & Dad will kill me!") of all those poor decisions they've been making all semester (like skipping class, not reading assigned texts, and failing to turn things in). And it's a whole lot easier to be angry at your professor than it is to admit that you're the cause of your own problems.

In Comp classes, the most important paper is usually the last one--the dreaded research paper. There are, of course, those nasty plagiarism issues. They are never fun to deal with. I usually hear "But I didn't know!"s, no matter how much I explain plagiarism in class, and I often see tears. Sometimes there are protests of innocence, even with the proof staring them in the face.

But the issue that gets me the most is students' refusal to read and follow directions. Now, because of past experience, both my syllabus and my Essay Assignment Sheets look surprisingly like legal documents. They include things like:

--Two scholarly sources are required. Failure to cite two scholarly sources will result in a grade of zero and your paper will not be graded.

--A Works Cited page is required. Failure to submit a Works Cited page will result in a grade of zero and your paper will not be graded.

--Photocopies of all sources with the borrowed information highlighted is required. Papers submitted without highlighted photocopies will receive a grade of zero and will not be graded.

--A plagairized paper will receive a grade of zero, with no opportunity to redo the essay.

--Your essay must be at least X# of pages long. If your paper is not a full X# of pages, it will receive a zero and your paper will not be graded.

You get the picture? OK.

So, not only do I spell out the requirements in detail, I also read the assignment out loud, explaining each requirement. I remind them during the process. THEN, on the last day of class before they submit their papers, I give them a checklist for editing and revision. Along with things like "Does your paper have a title? _____", I have questions like "Is your paper a full X pages long? _____ "and "Do you have a Works Cited page? _____" On the list is also "Have you included copies of your sources? _____ Remember, failure to submit copies of your sources will result in a failing grade." Notice the handy spot provided for their yes or no answers.

Elementary, my dear Watson. Or so you'd think.

But, no! I get papers that are half a page too short. I get papers with one source. I get papers turned in without photocopies of sources. And what grade do these papers get? Say it with me class: "Zero!" And to make matters worse, usually these students have written "yes" in every blank of that handy-dandy checklist that I've provided.

Now, here comes the worst part. Do you know whose fault those zeroes are? Are they the fault of those students who didn't read directions? Or who didn't listen in class? Or who assumed I didn't mean what I wrote and said? No! Of course not! It's MY fault. So students get angry and shout "Stupid class!" or slam doors or throw their papers all over the hall. One student told me that I just wasn't merciful.

Another student who hasn't managed to follow a direction all year told me she plans to major in nursing. I'm frightened.