Academic Freedom

A friend sent me this on FaceBook, and I thought it was worth posting here, especially since Lipscomb was the host of the Christian Scholars Conference that I enjoyed so much last week. This article talks about the freedom to discuss God and a Christian worldview, but the academic freedom at the Christian Scholar's Conference goes even beyond that--people are allowed to speak freely about their faith and/or doubt, to make assertions, to disagree with the status quo, to ask questions. In other words, they are allowed to be real, to admit that they are humans with limitations and may not have all the answers. And the audiences (at least those that I was a part of) were willing to listen, to entertain other points of view, to engage in respectful dialogues, whether or not they agreed. It's exhilarating and faith-building to be with people like that, especially when you're singing the hallelujah chorus.

Christian Scholars' Conference 2010

Christian Scholars’ Conference 2010 Beauty in the Academy: Faith, Scholarship and the Arts

June 3-5, 2010

Lipscomb University, Nashville, Tennessee

I've really got to get back to work!

Since the semester's been over, I've been doing two things: landscaping (pictures coming soon) and reading for pleasure. But now, it's time to get back to work, at least for a little while. I'm presenting in two different panels at this year's Christian Scholars' Conference:

Paper and Panel Session I:

Mark A. Elrod, Harding University, Convener: “Social Networking and Christian Education”

• Jeff Baker, Thomas Goode Jones School of Law School: Panelist

• Edward Carson, Houston Christian High School: Panelist

• Stephanie Eddleman, Harding University: Panelist

• Michael Lasley, Pepperdine University: Panelist

• Jim Miller, Harding University: Panelist

Paper and Panel Session III

Larry Long, Harding University, Convener: “Beauty, Goodness and Value in the Anglo-American Literary Tradition”

• Leland Ryken, Wheaton College: “Valuing What God Values: The Persistence of Beauty in Christian Aesthetics”

• Stephanie Eddleman, Harding University: “Physical Beauty in Jane Austen: The Intersection of Aesthetics and Faith”

• John Williams, Harding University: “’The Light by Which You See’: John Updike’s Antinomian Aesthetics”

Most of the work's already done (it's nice to get a little extra mileage out of that dissertation), but I've got some revising and editing to do. I'm really looking forward to this conference. It's one of the few that I go to that is cross disciplinary, and that certainly makes it more interesting. It's also a Christian conference that's not afraid to ask the hard questions. I find that refreshing.

What I'm Reading Now

From the Back Cover

There have been times when you've felt that if there isn't a God, there ought to be. Swept up in the mystery of the night sky, you've felt the closeness of its designer. Nature's extravagant diversity, unfolding in living color, has made you long to know the artist who dreamed it all up. Imagine what that might be like---to actually know God in a way that fills your heart and whispers tremendous value and purpose to something deep within you. But how can you experience a being you're not even sure exists? Religious jargon and games can't satisfy such a longing. It's got to be real ... or nothing at all. A Search for What Is Real helps you sort through the questions, objections, and concerns that arise when you consider God not as some theological abstraction, but as someone you can actually connect with ... and want to connect with, perhaps more than you know. FINDING FAITH The Finding Faith books A Search for What Makes Sense and A Search for What Is Real don't try to tell you what to believe; they are guides in learning how to believe. If you think the spiritual journey requires turning your back on honesty and intellectual integrity, these two companion volumes will speak to both your mind and your soul.

What I Just Finished

From the Back Cover
Does having faith mean abandoning reason? It's easy to get that impression. Still, it seems reasonable that a supremely intelligent God would want you to use your God-given intellect on your spiritual journey as much as in any other aspect of your life. Faith may not stand on rational thinking alone, but a solid faith should walk hand in hand with intellectual integrity. Does it really matter what I believe? What is the relationship between faith and knowledge? Why are there so many religions? Do all paths lead to the same God? This book helps you sort through the questions, objections, and concerns you can't help but raise. A Search for What Makes Sense will help you think your way clearly and honestly to answers that satisfy because they're your answers---conclusions you've arrived at personally without manipulation, coercion, or game-playing. For faith to exist and grow it's got to make sense---good sense, carefully-thought-out sense. And chances are it does. FINDING FAITH The Finding Faith books A Search for What Makes Sense and A Search for What Is Real don't try to tell you what to believe; they are guides in learning how to believe. If you think the spiritual journey requires turning your back on honesty and intellectual integrity, these two companion volumes will speak to both your mind and your soul.

What I'm Reading Now

From Library Journal:

In Christianity, the Eucharist emphasizes the relationship between Jesus' body and humanity, so it would seem logical that Christians would honor their own flesh and blood. Not so, says Paulsell, an ordained pastor currently serving as visiting lecturer on ministry at Harvard Divinity School. Her compelling book argues that while it is quite possible to regard highly the human physique, various societal and cultural conceptions go against the belief that human beings are "fearfully and wonderfully made" in the image of God. Paulsell writes about bathing and clothing the body, the necessity of exercise and rest, sexuality, and physical debilitations with their all-too-often negative connotations. The section on food is particularly fitting, since modern society places so much emphasis on physical perfection often with devastating consequences. Through this extremely well-written book, both lay readers and clergy will develop an appreciation of the body.

What I'm Reading Now

"InWalking On Water, Madeleine L'Engle addresses the questions, What makes art Christian? What does it mean to be a Christian artist? What is the relationship between faith and art? Through L'Engle's beautiful and insightful essay, readers will find themselves called to what the author views as the prime tasks of an artist: to listen, to remain aware, and to respond to creation through one's own art."

Madeleine L'Engle

"Madeleine L’Engle (1918–2007) was born in New York City and attended Smith College. She wrote more than 60 books, the most famous of which is A Wrinkle In Time (1962), winner of the Newbery Award in 1963. L’Engle continued the story of the Murry family from A Wrinkle In Time with seven other novels (five of which are available as A Wrinkle In Time Quintent from Square Fish). She also wrote the famous series featuring the Austin family, beginning with the novel Meet The Austins (1960). L’Engle revisited the Austins four more times over the next three decades, concluding with Troubling a Star in 1994. The story of the Austins had some autobiographical elements, mirroring Madeleine’s life and the life of her family. Madeleine L’Engle’s last book, The Joys of Love, is a romantic, coming-of-age story she wrote back in the 1940s, and is being published by FSG."

What I'm Reading Now

Here's one of my current reads:

"One of the vital challenges facing thoughtful people today is how to read the Bible faithfully without abandoning our sense of truth and history. Reading the Bible Again for the First Time provides a much-needed solution to the problem of how to have a fully authentic yet contemporary understanding of the scriptures. Many mistakenly believe there are no choices other than fundamentalism or simply rejecting the Bible as something that can bring meaning to our lives. Answering this modern dilemma, acclaimed author Marcus Borg reveals how it is possible to reconcile the Bible with both a scientific and critical way of thinking and our deepest spiritual needs, leading to a contemporary yet grounded experience of the sacred texts."

Fully Human

" My chosen vocation . . . [has] remained a subset of a larger vocation, which was the job of loving God and neighbor as myself. Over the years I have come to think of this as the vocation of becoming fully human.

Since some people consider being human a liability, and 'fully'would only make things worse, I should perhaps explain what I mean. To become fully human means learning to turn my gratitude for being alive into some concrete common good. It means growing gentler toward human weakness. It means practicing forgiveness of my and everyone else's hourly failures to live up to divine standards. It means learning to forget myself on a regular basis in order to attend to the other selves in my vicinity. It means living so that 'I'm only human' does not become an excuse for anything. It means receiving the human condition as a blessing and not curse, in all its achingly frail and redemptive reality.

'The glory of God is a human being fully alive,' wrote Irenaeus of Lyons some two thousand years ago. One of the reasons I remain a Christian-in-progress is the peculiar Christian insistence that God is revealed in humankind--not just in human form but also in human being."

---Barbara Brown Taylor in An Altar in the World

Righteous Indignation

I never thought of it quite this way before:

" . . . the wrath of God is a symbol of holy mystery that we can ill afford to lose. For the wrath of God in the sense of righteous anger against injustice is not an opposite of mercy but its correlative. It is a mode of caring response in the face of evil, aroused by what is mean or shameful or injurious to beloved human beings and the created world itself. Precisely because Holy Wisdom cares with a love that goes beyond our imagining, the depths of divine anger are likewise immeasurable. . . . [Divine anger] stands as an antidote to sentimentality in our view of God's holy mystery as love . . ." Elizabeth A. Johnson

Neither Extreme

Today, I'm speaking to a group of Christian librarians who are attending a conference here at HU. I was asked to discuss two things:

1. the Twilight series, and

2. blogging about books

Sounds easy enough, right? Those of you who've read my earlier posts on Twilight know what I think about the series, at least from a literary standpoint. And you also know I love blogging about books. All in all, I'm expecting this to be an enjoyable speaking engagement for me.

As I started thinking about what I would say today, I realized that we, as Christian teachers of literature and Christian librarians, are in a really interesting position. We actually embody the best of two worlds. Like all teachers of English and all librarians, we love the idea of books opening up new worlds for us and our students. We encourage exposure to challenging ideas, and we promote critical thinking. We celebrate free access to the books of our choice.

Yet, as Christians, we also recognize that discernment is necessary. We love to read, but we want to protect our minds and to "guard our hearts with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life" (Prov. 4:23).

Luckily for us, it's possible to reconcile both positions--and we don't have to ban any books to do so. Discerning readers can indulge their love of reading, expand their horizons, and strengthen their Christian worldview, while also developing compassion for those who don't see the world exactly as we do. And we can help our students learn to do the same.

Small Rituals

Rituals are actions that have symbolic value. They are a way of acting out in the physical world what we believe to be true in the spiritual world. They can focus our minds and direct our thoughts towards God. They can add beauty to our lives and comfort us. I wrote in an earlier post, Coveting the Metaphor, about how Sue Monk Kidd's conscious use of symbol and metaphor enhanced her spirituality and her life. I believe that the addition of small rituals can do the same.

To enhance my pursuit of intentional spirituality, I have added a few small rituals to my devotional time. First of all, I have set aside a certain place for my morning devotions. It's upstairs, just a comfortable chair in the corner of a bedroom, but it's a quiet place away from chores and TVs and the normal bustle of life. On one side of the chair is my Bible, the devotional/theological book I'm currently reading, and my journal; and on the other side is a table where I've placed a small candle. Before I begin, I light the candle. Next, I open my journal, date the entry, and then write down one thing for which I'm grateful. I don't make a huge list, although I could. I just wanted to establish a ritual that will encourage me to have a grateful heart. Next, I read a passage of scripture and choose one or two verses to copy into my journal, and make a few comments on these--why I chose what I did, the connection to my life, a realization I've just made, a prayer, anything I feel at the moment. Next, I read a chapter or so of the devotional book, copying any great lines or paraphrasing intriguing discoveries into my journal and commenting on them. Then, I pray. When I finish, I blow out the candle. Extinguishing the flame does not signal the end of my pursuit of God, but it is a ceremonial closing to a time of dedicated devotion.

The candle ritual works for me on several levels. It's beautiful and comforting. Because it signals a beginning and an end, it focuses my mind on the present and my purpose. The light of the candle has a metaphorical connection to God. The scent of the candle is reminiscent of the incense burned in the Old Testament, which symbolized the prayers of the saints. It is an intentional act performed for spiritual purposes.

If you have any rituals that you find beauty and joy in, I'd love for you to share them.

1 John 1:5 This then is the message which we have heard of him, and declare unto you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.

Psalm 141:2 Let my prayer be set forth before thee as incense; and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice.

From Marilynne Robinson's Gilead:

--I was struck by the way the light felt that afternoon. I have paid a good deal of attention to light, but no one could begin to do it justice . . .

--The moon looks wonderful in this warm evening light, just as a candle flame looks beautiful in the light of morning. Light within light. It seems like a metaphor for something. So much does. Ralph Waldo Emerson is excellent on this point. It seems to me to be a metaphor for the human soul, the singular light within the great general light of existence. Or it seems like the poetry within language. Perhaps wisdom within experience. Or marriage within friendship and love . . .

--I think sometimes of going into the ground here as a last wild gesture of love--I too will smolder away the time until the great and general incandescence . . .

Intentional Spirituality

It's hard to pursue a graduate degree in English without questioning your faith. We are trained to parse words, to analyze texts for multiple meanings, and to recognize the inadequacies of interpretations and translations. Throw into the mix extremely intelligent, well-spoken fellow graduate students who either regard the Christian faith as outdated and irrelevant or who are openly antagonistic towards it, and your uncertainty is intensified. And if, as I do, you have the type of personality that always searches for the answer, that must be certain, that has to know, well, you may be headed for a dark night of the soul even as you search for some small ray of light.

I was groping through that darkness. I think the physical and mental exhaustion of completing a PhD in three years (teaching full time one of those years and Honors Symposium all of the summers, driving so far back and forth the first year, living away from home and family the second) contributed to my spiritual dryness. I poured all my energy into completing the degree, slowly crowding out time for Scripture, prayer, meditation.

Life is funny, though. Right in the midst of my barren times came synchronicity. I guess you could also call it providence. First, I read a book called Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd. This is a beautifully written book by a woman who left Christianity to pursue the Sacred Feminine, and while I did not agree with her journey into paganism, I did admire her intentional spirituality and was intrigued by her research into the nature and being of God. This led me to books on theology, where I encountered this appellation for God: The Divine Mystery.

Everything in me reacted to this name. How beautiful! And how freeing! Augustine said that if you have understood, then that which you have understood is not God. Elizabeth A. Johnson says that the "incomprehensibility of God [is] a mystery of free and liberating love, love that draws near, chooses us without our deserving it, accompanies and bears us, walks the path of struggle, promises victory, dwells among us to gather us in." This name for God, The Divine Mystery, allows us to not understand, to not comprehend completely, and to know that we never will. Yet, at the same time, it validates our pursuit towards understanding. It's almost as if this name gave me permission to believe and cling even through all my questions and doubts. It gave me permission to not have all the answers.

Then at the same time, because Marilynne Robinson was going to be speaking at the Christian Scholars Conference, I began reading her book Gilead. I have never read a more beautiful novel in all my life, and maybe I never shall. When I read the Twilight series, I said that I'd read almost two thousand pages without wanting to underline one sentence. This novel was the exact opposite. I wanted to underline every sentence of Gilead, and double underline some parts. I have never read a novel with so much Scripture and so little dogma, such holiness coupled with such humanity. It is a celebration of mystery and love, of the spiritual as well as the physical. Nothing I can say about this novel could do it justice. It is the story of a life lived in honor of The Divine Mystery.

Then, as I said yesterday, while at this conference I met some wonderful people who have chosen to live with such spiritual intentionality, searching for and worshipping God even as they realize that The Divine Mystery can never be fully comprehended in this life. I guess maybe all my life I've been drawn to this idea of God because I've always loved I Corinthians 13:12, especially in the King James Version: "For now we see through a glass darkly, but then face to face: now I know in part, but then I shall know even as also I am known."

I want, though, for my pursuit of God to be characterized by love instead of fear, by the desire for relationship rather than oughts or shoulds or guilt.

Suddenly, my cup seems full.

Intentionality

I've been blessed to be able to pursue a personal life goal for the past ten years, the last three of which I've spent working on a PhD. I am so thankful for this opportunity, and I have received so much more than I had even hoped for in the process. But along the way, my singleminded pursuit has crowded out so many good, even necessary, things that I value but have just let fall to the wayside. My fault, I know. But still, it has happened.

Life events, however, have come together to inspire me. The theme of last week's Christian Scholars Conference was "The Power of Narrative," and Barbara Brown Taylor, one of the plenary speakers, made a statement that really resonated with me. She observed that so many of us choose narratives too small for our lives. We fritter away our time on non-essentials, drifting along, never daring to live a narrative big enough to fit our dreams and goals.

On top of coming face to face with that truth, while at this conference I met several people who are living their lives so intentionally, with such unifying focus. They have decided what is important to them, and they are purposefully making room for those things in their lives, getting rid of the habits that rob them of time or room for human connection and spiritual pursuit, and adding things that bring them contentment and real happiness. There was something about these people. They had a peaceful countenance (an old-fashioned term, I know, but it fits exactly) and a quiet joy I envied.

It's not like this is a new idea for me. I've always had an inner vision of the kind of person I want to be and the kind of life I want to live, but that vision often gets trampled under the tyranny of the urgent. And it's not as if I think my pursuit of a PhD was a "frittering away of my life on non-essentials." It was, and is, a worthy goal and very important to me. But now, as I'm nearing the end of this years-long journey, I want to transfer my energies from this pursuit into creating a life that matters, one that honors my values and makes my outer reality match my inner vision. I want to live a life of Intention. During the next week or two, I want to write about different areas of Intention that I want to pursue. It may not be a daily theme because I'm still thinking this thing through. But I invite you along for the journey.

P.S. Happy Birthday, Travis!

Fragmenting the Narrative World: Losing the Effectiveness of Story

Here's my paper proposal for the CSC:

Before the Enlightenment, the worldview of western civilization was fairly consistent, yet after the Age of Reason, it split into a Christian worldview and a naturalistic one, which further fragmented into existentialism, postmodernism, multiculturalism, and so on. This fracturing is amply evident in the literature produced from the 18^th century onward. Most narratives are an attempt to tell the truth, or at least to explore some facet of it, but if western culture has removed God and ultimate truth as a unifying force, how else can one approach “story” but from fragmented identities—race, gender, ethnicity, or some other type of self-defined category? There must be some kind of drive, unifying force, or “truth” behind the narrative: Women are oppressed; African-Americans are oppressed; British imperialists commandeered our culture; God is dead.

Of course, not everyone abandoned a Christian worldview, and some only compromised. Christian apologist Francis Schaeffer calls this compromise the top story/bottom story dichotomy. Compromisers buy into a naturalistic worldview based on logic and reason for everyday life (the bottom story), and take a “leap” into the upper story when they want to practice their “faith.” Many believers are so conditioned by society that they are not even aware of the fragmentation, and non-believers are not threatened as long as believers leave faith in the upper story and don’t try to incorporate it into “real life.”

This paper will explore the effects of a dichotomized worldview on narrative—both how it shapes the narrative we choose to tell and how effectively we are able to tell it. Does a fragmented worldview cause us to move from a comprehensive approach to narrative to a fragmentary one? Does the existence of “Christian Fiction” as a genre mean that some have bought into this dichotomy as it applies to literature? Is there a bottom story—Fiction, and a top story—Christian Fiction? Does a synthesized worldview, whether consciously or unconsciously held, lead to writing Christian Fiction to compete in the multicultural marketplace of Chick Lit, African American Lit, Post-colonial Lit, Gay and Lesbian Lit, ad infinitum? Instead of “all truth being God’s truth,” a belief resulting in stories of real people grappling with real issues in a real world, do some Christians today feel they have to tell “Christian stories,” which are often sanitized and unrealistic? If we truly have a Christian worldview, will we choose to tell stories that incorporate all of life—spiritual and physical, good and evil, victory and defeat—in realistic ways?

And how does this fragmenting of narrative affect the role of literature as an exploration of truth, a pathway to God? Many authors of “Christian Fiction” look at their work as a form of personal evangelism, but is choosing to tell stories from this platform really effective? Is it not just preaching to the choir and reinforcing the idea of faith as separate from real life?

Now, all I have to do is write the thing! Any ideas to contribute? Suggestions will be duly considered, and if used, full credit will be given. :-D

Gleanings from My Readings

“Men have had every advantage of us in telling their own story. Education has been theirs in so much higher a degree; the pen has been in their hands. I will not allow books to prove anything.”
---Jane Austen, in Persuasion

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“Few of us have the temperament of monks. Most of us draw sustenance from the human drama. We might recognize the tremulous signals emanating from some invisible inner universe, but most of us see no choice but to live in the world, to engage in commerce, to seek delight in people and things around us. Perhaps when we knock wood to preserve our luck, what we’re really doing is convincing ourselves of the solidity of the present, distinguishing the actual from the wishful.”
---Philip Martin, Arkansas Democrat Gazette columnist

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Actual title of new workout video: Bollywood Booty. I’m not kidding. Not only will this video help you “stay fit and get firm,” it will also “help you release your inhibitions.” Isn’t that what everyone looks for in a workout?

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“To me, letters have always been a robust medium of sublimation. I don’t remember what I was like before I learned my ABC’s, but for as long as I can remember I have made them with my fingers and felt them in my bones.”

“I do hope you realize that every time you use disinterested to mean uninterested, an angel dies, and every time you write very unique, or “We will hire whomever is more qualified,” thousands of literate people lose yet another smidgen of hope. And please promise me you will never lose your grip on the subjunctive.”

---Ray Blount, Jr., in the Introduction to Alphabet Juice

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“The problem with God—or at any rate, one of the top five most annoying things about God—is that He or She rarely answers right away. It can take days, weeks. Some people seem to understand this—that life and change take time. . . . I, on the other hand, am an instant-message type.”
---Anne Lamott, from Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith

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John Donne’s “A Hymn to God the Father” (1633):

I.
WILT Thou forgive that sin where I begun,

Which was my sin, though it were done before?

Wilt Thou forgive that sin through which I run,

And do run still, though still I do deplore?

When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done;

For I have more.


II.
Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I have won

Others to sin, and made my sins their door?

Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I did shun

A year or two, but wallow'd in a score?

When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done;

For I have more.


III.
I have a sin of fear, that when I've spun

My last thread, I shall perish on the shore;

But swear by Thyself that at my death Thy Son

Shall shine as He shines now and heretofore:

And having done that, Thou hast done;

I fear no more.

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Happy Reading!

A Busy Week

Well, I’ve got a really busy week ahead of me. Of course, I still have Oral Comps preparation, which currently provides the underlying theme and daily structure of my life. In other words, that’s pretty much all I do. But not this week! No, sir! That is not enough of a challenge for me. Give me more to do! Pile it on!

No, all jokes aside, I’m participating in a couple of events this week that I’m really excited about. Tomorrow, I’ll be speaking in the Women’s Program at the Harding University Lectureship. My topic? “Is Jesus a Feminist?” Now, I didn’t choose the topic or the title, but when I was asked to speak on the subject, I was really excited about it. If asked, I might have chosen a more toned-down title, but you’ve got to admit, it does what titles are supposed to do--get attention. The subject, I think, is an important one that needs to be addressed seriously. Since I am a woman, and a Christian, and one of my concentration areas in my doctoral studies is Women’s Literature and Feminist Theory, “the woman question” is a subject I’ve thought a lot about and looked at from various of angles. Here’s a link to the schedule, if you’re interested:

Harding Women's Lectureship

Then, later in the week I’ll be going to the 2008 Conference on Christianity and Literature, hosted this year by Oklahoma Baptist University in Shawnee, Oklahoma. There, I’m presenting a paper on a related subject—I’m analyzing a text written by a French woman in 1405 in which she challenges misogyny and constructs an argument that anticipates the different modes of future feminist discourse, an argument which focuses on reason and education as a pathway to greater feminine virtue and morality, all the while operating within the prevailing religious framework.

One of the things that I’m really looking forward to at this conference is to be able to participate in a discussion of literature with people who see the arts through the framework of a Christian worldview. There will be sessions on Literature and: The Environment, Colonialism, Gender, Race, Consumerism, Culture, and much more. These are all big topics in literary studies, and I’ve spent the last several years in doctoral classes taking part in discussions about them, but I’ve been mostly surrounded by people with a post-modern worldview, people who think that the Christian worldview is, at best, ignorant and out-of-touch. This weekend conference will be a refreshing, and faith-affirming, change of pace. There are also sessions on Christianity and the Media, Christianity and the Occult, and Materialism: The Sacred versus the Secular, all topics that are engrossing, current, and important both to literary studies and to people trying to be Christians in twenty-first century America.

I know I won’t get as much done on my comps prep as usual this week, but sometimes you need to take part in activities that bring back the joy and make you remember why you took on the challenge in the first place.

Last Day, I Promise

Watching Les Miserables the other night really got me to thinking about the paradoxes inherent in life. Think about it. Jean Valjean is arrested and spends seventeen years of his life in prison for stealing bread to feed a starving child. He’s beaten and abused. After doing his time, he is finally released, yet even then he is scorned and mistreated by society. He spends his life taking care of a child not his own. He makes sacrifices for her, dedicating his existence to providing her a safe and loving home. He even risks his life to secure her happiness. And all the while, he must remain ever vigilant because he is hunted by a man obsessed with vengeance. Put like that, it doesn’t sound like much of a life, does it?

And yet, when I get to the end, I am completely overwhelmed with the beauty that was his life. Jean Valjean’s story is the perfect allegory of the Christian life. “I have purchased your soul for God,” the Bishop tells him, and Valjean is never the same. The sacrifice was too great, too awesome to comprehend. And so he honors the gift with a life of love and sacrifice.

In a world where we’re encouraged to “go for the gusto” because we’re “worth it,” sacrifice and self-control just don’t seem to work. We go to business school to learn how to fight our way to the top of the ladder. We argue for our rights, we elbow our way in and claim our share, and we sue anyone that gets in our way. We pamper ourselves, and gorge ourselves, and buy all kinds of things to make our lives easier. We expect handouts, and exemptions, and are ever ready with long lists of excuses (It’s our parents’ fault, the teacher’s fault, the government’s fault, my boss hates me, nobody understands . . . ). We tell our spouses to get it themselves, we wish our kids would be quiet and leave us alone, we hope our aging parents don’t inconvenience us. We’re protecting ourselves, and rewarding ourselves, and entertaining ourselves. So why aren’t we happy?

That’s the paradox. What we so avidly pursue eludes us. But a beautiful life is possible. And we’ve been given the answers: If we want to truly live, we have to die to self. If we want to receive, we have to give—love, mercy, help, friendship. If we want to be exalted, we have to humble ourselves. If we want to be strong, we have to admit our weakness and live in a state of trust. If we want to be the greatest, we must become servant of all. The last shall be first, and the first shall be last.

My heart honors the beauty of this truth when I see it in the lives of others, but I feel a lot like Paul here. What I want to do, I don’t. What I don’t want to do, I do. “Oh, wretched woman that I am . . .” Living the beautiful paradox is not easy; it’s a constant upstream battle against the river of selfishness. I can pray with the poet Robert Burns: “Thou knowest that Thou hast formed me / With passions wild and strong; / And list’ning to their witching voice / Has often led me wrong.” But I can also pray with the psalmist, “O give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good: for his mercy endureth forever.”